A Crib Sheet to Effective Communication

The starting point of all good communication sounds obvious but is often overlooked: knowing what you want to say before you say it. Many people tackle an important issue before they've given any real thought to what it is they want to say, then find the discussion gets off track or fails to address the points they wanted to make. Plan ahead. Think about what you want to achieve, then plan what you're going to say and, if possible, rehearse it beforehand.

Conversations rarely go exactly as planned, especially if you're discussing a problem, so try to anticipate the sort of detours your communication could take, such as questions from and interjections by the other person, and prepare answers to deal with them in advance.

Pick your spots. Don't try to initiate an important discussion when you're feeling punk. Try to choose a time of day when you're likely to be feeling your best, and arrange to have the discussion then. It's also a good idea to set a time when the other person is able to give you their undivided attention.

Don't get excited-before, during or after. You communicate most effectively when you're calm, so try to relax before the discussion, and do your best to not become emotional during the conversation. If you get heated, the other person may as well, and neither of you will be very effective. If things do start to get out of hand, suggest that you continue the conversation later, when both of you are feeling less emotional about it, and do try to set a time and a place for continuing the discussion. And try to remain calm after the discussion-no matter which way it went; fretting about a discussion that may have gone off the rails will only make it more difficult to reconvene the conversation-and make you more anxious.

If at all possible, get things off to a positive start by recognizing something good about the other person ('You know, you're really good at helping me get things done that I wouldn't be able to do by myself...'). Let the other person know what it is you want to discuss clearly and briefly, and use 'I messages' to let him or her know how you're feeling about the situation you want to discuss.

For best results, make sure you listen to what the other person has to say, too, and try to find a common ground that will answer both your needs.

This page was last reviewed/updated on : 02/23/2008